Satire: A Letter to President Trump

Dear President Trump,

It feels that recently not a day passes by without a new scandal appearing right at about

6 :00 P.M.  As we sit, 122 days into your presidency, it feels that it has become engulfed in controversy.  Be it the day after your inauguration, with mass protests that were “nowhere near the size of your inauguration crowd (which was “the largest crowd to watch an inauguration in history”), but who even cares about the “sore loser Democrats” who lost an election they easily should have won anyway.  However, over the course of these tumultuous first 122 days, there has been no lack of “fake news” spread by the liberal media.  For example, your firing of (now former) FBI director James Comey, sparked liberal news networks and papers such as the “failing New York Times” and CNN to get triggered and need safe spaces like the snowflakes they target.  However, true news networks and sources like, Breitbart, and Fox News provide the spin-free politics the country needs.  Only a few months ago, Democrats were calling for the resignation of the same guy, yet when you actually decide to fire him, they get triggered like always.  Some Democrats have gone as far to call for your impeachment or the beginning of proceedings.  But what’s really even wrong with giving up codeword level intelligence that was given by Israel to a foreign adversary without permission from even the intelligence community? In addition, with the courts making bad decisions, like overturning two separate versions of your Muslim ban, it seems the only branch of government worth trusting is your own.  Yet, even your own branch has had its issues, with all of the leaks (which should be illegal by the way.)  The aforementioned issues with the other branches expose a deep crack in the foundation of your presidency. Continue reading “Satire: A Letter to President Trump”


Student Scores Zero on SAT, Gets Admitted to All Eight Ivies

Brian Wang, a senior at Martin Luther King Jr. High School in Springfield, New York, is one remarkable student: he’s been accepted into all eight Ivy League schools.

The Ivy League schools, which consist of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, University of Pennsylvania, Brown, Dartmouth and Cornell, are known for their competitiveness and very low acceptance rates among prospective applicants, but for Mr. Wang, whose parents immigrated from China to the United States in 1984, all eight were a resounding yes. Continue reading “Student Scores Zero on SAT, Gets Admitted to All Eight Ivies”

Existential Riddles

By Emma Kaneti

What is the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles, because there’s a mile between each ‘s.’

Will thinks of all the leagues of girls with beautiful smiles whom he’s been miles away from getting. Will considers an outlet for his built up desperation and self- hatred: screaming “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” at the remorseless dictionary. Continue reading “Existential Riddles”

Family Agrees to Ignore Uncle’s Offensive Comments at Christmas Dinner

By Gabe Tugendstein

The Cooley family of Augusta, Maine decided today that it would look to ignore its Uncle Lou’s occasionally politically incorrect statements at this year’s Christmas dinner. In a conservative approach, the three families that make up the Cooley clan determined that any response at all to Lou’s typically off-color (yet not unrelated to skin color, hair color, even colorblindness) ravings could too easily develop into a combative, or, even worse, awkward conversation.

Continue reading “Family Agrees to Ignore Uncle’s Offensive Comments at Christmas Dinner”

You Better Have Luck This Year, Santa

By Emma Kaneti

Dear Santa, I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for me on the nice list, I can tell you I’m not there. I don’t have cookies for you either. But what I do have is a very particular set of skills—skills I have acquired over a very long career of the five years in elementary school. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you obey my Christmas list, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.

Continue reading “You Better Have Luck This Year, Santa”

Overpass Traffic Incites Reform, Finally

Photo by Andrew Ballard: New overpass reforms aim to alleviate gridlock in the overpass such as that pictured above on a recent school day.

By Siri Nadler and Ali Steinberg

For many years, traffic in the overpass has led to gridlock and frustration. Students are frequently late to class and grades often suffer. As students swerve to make their way to class more efficiently, traffic patterns continue to remain unruly.

Continue reading “Overpass Traffic Incites Reform, Finally”