Student Scores Zero on SAT, Gets Admitted to All Eight Ivies

Brian Wang, a senior at Martin Luther King Jr. High School in Springfield, New York, is one remarkable student: he’s been accepted into all eight Ivy League schools.

The Ivy League schools, which consist of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, University of Pennsylvania, Brown, Dartmouth and Cornell, are known for their competitiveness and very low acceptance rates among prospective applicants, but for Mr. Wang, whose parents immigrated from China to the United States in 1984, all eight were a resounding yes. Continue reading “Student Scores Zero on SAT, Gets Admitted to All Eight Ivies”


Existential Riddles

By Emma Kaneti

What is the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles, because there’s a mile between each ‘s.’

Will thinks of all the leagues of girls with beautiful smiles whom he’s been miles away from getting. Will considers an outlet for his built up desperation and self- hatred: screaming “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” at the remorseless dictionary. Continue reading “Existential Riddles”

Family Agrees to Ignore Uncle’s Offensive Comments at Christmas Dinner

By Gabe Tugendstein

The Cooley family of Augusta, Maine decided today that it would look to ignore its Uncle Lou’s occasionally politically incorrect statements at this year’s Christmas dinner. In a conservative approach, the three families that make up the Cooley clan determined that any response at all to Lou’s typically off-color (yet not unrelated to skin color, hair color, even colorblindness) ravings could too easily develop into a combative, or, even worse, awkward conversation.

Continue reading “Family Agrees to Ignore Uncle’s Offensive Comments at Christmas Dinner”

You Better Have Luck This Year, Santa

By Emma Kaneti

Dear Santa, I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for me on the nice list, I can tell you I’m not there. I don’t have cookies for you either. But what I do have is a very particular set of skills—skills I have acquired over a very long career of the five years in elementary school. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you obey my Christmas list, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.

Continue reading “You Better Have Luck This Year, Santa”

How to Avoid Peaking Freshman Year: A Will Bodkin Tragedy

Photo courtesy of Will Bodkin: Ninth grade Bodkin receives a double kiss from older girls Ryan Matt ’14 and Annelise Andre ’14. Freshmen should try to avoid such antics.

By Noah Horowitz

Freshman year is a time when students discover all that is offered at Mamaroneck High School. Many take advantage of all the opportunities and develop over their four years at MHS. Unfortunately, some have a great first year of high school, followed by three years of decline. In this article, we will learn from Will Bodkin’s high school career as an example of what not to do so that you don’t peak freshman year.

Continue reading “How to Avoid Peaking Freshman Year: A Will Bodkin Tragedy”

Overpass Traffic Incites Reform, Finally

Photo by Andrew Ballard: New overpass reforms aim to alleviate gridlock in the overpass such as that pictured above on a recent school day.

By Siri Nadler and Ali Steinberg

For many years, traffic in the overpass has led to gridlock and frustration. Students are frequently late to class and grades often suffer. As students swerve to make their way to class more efficiently, traffic patterns continue to remain unruly.

Continue reading “Overpass Traffic Incites Reform, Finally”