From: Hillary for America
Subject: Votes and money??
I really do care about you. You are a hard working beautiful American and I would sincerely like to hug you just like I do with Charlotte, my granddaughter. I don’t know if you’ve heard that I’m now a grandma, after the last 45 press releases, but I guess I’ll let you know again, because as you know, a kind and caring person is who you really want for president, not Donald Trump. Americans, Democrats, obviously Clinton supporters, I know your taste. Senator Sanders is too loud and messy and kind of poor. You need someone as reliable as my pantsuit combos- they keep coming back, debate after debate. No matter where you come from, what you look like, or who you love, I will never fail to not release my Wall Street speeches until someone else does. I will also fight for a better future, on the side.
I’m so glad you’re here, did I mention that? You could change the race, you could be the difference. Especially if you’re black, Latino, or another minority, I value your opinion and your vote.
Please donate $1, as with a combined effort from all of the people #withher, I might not have to leave the White House as poor as when Bill was president! This won’t be a trip to the Hamptons (or to Wall Street) but come on Americans, don’t you want to elect the FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT?!!
P.S. We’ll be releasing “vote for the first dude” bumper stickers soon, stay posted!
From: Bernie Sanders
Subject: Come feel the Bern
Sistas and Brothas,
Are you being disadvantaged by the American economy? Have you been cheated out of money by corporations and banks? Do you want to take down the billionaires of Wall Street? Are you old, partially deaf, and have sporadic hand spasms? So am I.
In my 74 years on this planet, I have had a number of discouraging and simply unacceptable experiences. I have seen Wall Street suck the life out of the poor and throw it back up as mansions and expensive cars that the billionaires get to drive around in. UNACCEPTABLE! I will not live in such a country dictated by the top 1%. Although I may only have 1% left in my life, I promise you a (short) future to believe in.
I’ve said throughout my entire campaign, trust me, I’m one of you. My wife Jane makes my sandwiches and does my tax returns; I’m just like you poor under-dog Americans trying to make a living.
We’re more of a grassroots movement than real grass, and we need to stand up and say enough is enough!
Take down the billionahs! One last hurrah!
By Emma Kaneti
PHOTOS COURTESY OF THINKCONTRA.COM (CLINTON) AND POLITICO (SANDERS)