Existential Riddles

By Emma Kaneti

What is the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles, because there’s a mile between each ‘s.’

Will thinks of all the leagues of girls with beautiful smiles whom he’s been miles away from getting. Will considers an outlet for his built up desperation and self- hatred: screaming “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” at the remorseless dictionary.

You walk into a room with a match, a kerosene lamp, a candle and a fireplace. Which do you light first?

The match.

You look at the slow burning flame, floating down the piece of wood you hold in your fingertips. You dab it towards the candle wick, and watch the birth of a new flame. You step back to watch as the candle lights the portrait of your ex you made out of gasoline. “Separation issues,” you scoff, as the house burns down.

You draw a line. Without touching it, how do you make the line longer?

You draw a shorter line next to it, and it becomes the longer line.

Sam still crosses both lines, and so Maia leaves him for the yoga guru she met on their honey- moon in Hawaii. Maia and the yoga guru live happily ever after, while Sam develops a drug addiction and regrets not putting the toilet seat back down.

A house has four walls. All of the walls are facing south, and a bear is circling the house. What color is the bear?

The house is on the North Pole, so the bear is white.

Since there are four walls and one door, 1 + 1 + 1 +1 = 4 – 1= 3.
But wait! 111 is three digits. 3 +3 =6
Two numbers were just added, and 6/2 = 3.
A triangle has three sides. Illuminati is confirmed.
The bear is a white supremacist.

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