DIY Winter Weight Watchers

By Avi Goldstein

1. Move to Quito, Ecuador

The air is thinner and the altitude is higher, so your weight is lower.

2. Pierce every possible part of your body.

The more holes you have in your body, the less body you actually have. Foolproof!

3. Be sure to be in an elevator going down at all times.

You are guaranteed to weigh less in an elevator that is descending. You can’t make this stuff up people! This is cold, hard science!

4. Perform Just Dance 2’s rendition of Wham’s “Wake Me Up Be- fore You Go Go”

Guaranteed results in just 892 days!Screen Shot 2016-03-10 at 10.32.51 PM.png

5. Eat a lot of grapes.

Just ‘cause.

6. Change your name to some- thing that begins with a K.

Statistically speaking, individuals whose names begin with K weigh less.

7. Shave your head.
Hair is heavy guys; get rid of that mop.

8. Grow.

Just get taller, it’s not that hard…

9. Always exhale.

The less air inside of you, the less you weigh! Makes sense, no?

10. Get NASA to give you one of those anti-gravity chambers.

Weight = Mass x Gravity

Weight = Mass x 0 Weight = 0.

 

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